You've had a baby.
And it is now yours and your-multi-human-producing-vagina's god given right to social media the living shit out of your parenting journey. As smugly as possible. And here's my guide on how to do it. *smug face**
- Just in case someone misses the photo you just posted of your baby, be sure to provide an entire selection of almost identical BUT CLEARLY VERY OBVIOUSLY ENTIRELY DIFFERENT poses. And if you still aren't receiving an appropriate amount of likes and comments, start liking your own photos. And tagging everyone you know. They'll like that.
- No. You can't answer phone calls. BECAUSE YOU'VE HAD A F@*KING BABY. So you're far too busy using your phone to tweet about how shit your life is now you can't wear a real bra anymore. (hashtag sad face)
- Dedicate at least one Pinterest board to what your house would look like if you hadn't had children... With cushions, faeces-free surfaces and a living room that isn't arranged primarily around a Jumperoo… Feel free to cry and do shots while pinning.
- No-one gets bored of babies in sun glasses. Or hats. Ever. (But they still prefer kittens)
- In the same way they absolutely NEVER get bored of your witty baby related hashtags. #myfannymadehim
- When your baby doesn't look cute enough…? Don't worry. There's an Instagram filter for that.
- Instagram likes are more important than real friends. Who go on long haul holidays and have labias on the inside and shit. F@*kers.
- You now sell everything your baby no longer needs through a Facebook site. Which means spending about three hours a day telling people NO. You won't take a tenner for your £600 buggy, and pointing out that if they want something in brand new condition that's never been used they will have to GO TO A F@*KING SHOP AND BUY A NEW ONE LIKE THE REST OF US.
- When you need a simple question answered be sure to post it in every Facebook mummy forum you belong to... Because that is far quicker than just googling it... Yeah...
- You used to need 12 white wines and a pint of tequila to be up for a fight. Now all you need is for someone to criticise your parenting abilities or call your baby ugly on facebook and YOU WILL F@*KING HUNT THEM DOWN AND CUT THEM. Or unfriend them and just fantasise about the other stuff in bed. While you're not sleeping. Forever.
- Shit. Someone you went to school with has a really frigging cute baby and their Instagram feed is way better then yours. You'll punish them by not liking a single one of their pictures. Ever. Yeah. TAKE THAT slightly-above-average-attractive people I did my GCSEs with. *cries and does a calpol shot*
- Remember. Funny always trumps cute. So if your baby face plants or shits their body weight down your face, don't help them. Take a photo. And get it on facebook. With a witty caption. And be sure to check back every 13 seconds or so throughout the day/night to see how many people like it.
- Purchase at least one outfit a season purely with the intention of making your child look utterly ridiculous for a photo. Nothing says Instagram the shit out of me like a baby dressed as a pumpkin.
- Your social life actually is a WhatsApp group. And you don't even care. And when you do, you spend the night tweeting about it.
- You say Snapchat. I say vagina selfie. Or velfie.