I’m three months old now. We need to talk.
It’s time I laid out a few baby-basics, just to save the two of us any further embarrassment and all that…
- First things first… that wasn’t just a fart.
- Secondly. It never is… You should really know that by now anyway. Dressing me in white is just tempting fate lady.
- When I work out how to get out of these scratch mitts… I will go straight for your eyes.
- Dressing me up as a Christmas Pudding on Boxing Day was both tasteless and humiliating. See point above.
- Do you actually enjoy neck-brie…?! Wipe me. Or face the hug-related cheesy-hair consequences.
- Jeeeez. Yes. I can smile… get f@*king over it already.
- Although, that wasn’t a smile. You're gonna need to use Vanish on that.
- No matter how many neon toys you jingle around my face, it still won’t make any difference as I CAN’T SEE BASTARD COLOURS YET YOU MENTAL WENCH.
- Thanks for that hour-long 3am feed. Now here’s 45 minutes worth back across your shoulder. You’re welcome.
- Oh…? We’re going to visit someone…? Well in that case I shall sleep the entire time including the outward and return journey, and then the second we get home. BOOM. I’ll be all up in your shit.
- Every time you remove my nappy I will wee. EVERY TIME. NO MATTER WHAT. Unless you’re waiting for me to wee. Then I won’t. Out of principal.
- I don’t actually know why I’m crying but the fact that you don't know is making me beside myself. Oh wait. It was boobs again.
- Seriously. You must have enough photos now.
- Oh and p.s. no-one on facebook wants to f@*king see them either.
Until next time then…