Sunday, 18 November 2012

WWB Bedtime Special... (WrestlingWallyBubba)


What has happened to bedtime...?

When did the switch happen...?

By day she might be my WallyBubba, but by night... she has become a tiny, angry, turd-encrusted ninja.

It begins at dinnertime... I lovingly prepare her tea while she stands legs apart, head back, screaming at the ceiling whilst dragging her sippy cup across the the stair gate bars like some kind of prisoner on death row demanding their last meal.

Now the battle into the highchair. My husband stands behind me performing a frantic puppet show over my left shoulder as I attempt to collapse the amazing unbendable baby into a right angle. Apparently known by others as the seated position.

She grabs a fistful of food in each hand and inspects each one carefully, then begins glaring at me with her 'What the f•@k do you mean I'm having cheese on toast again you unimaginative hussy' eyes. Releasing a harrowing battle cry, she crushes each fistful into pulp (whilst maintaining eye contact of course), then simply lets the rubble fall from her grip onto the floor...

Then. Yoghurt. (now a banned substance in our house) She sucks me in by allowing me to spoon-feed her the first half a pot without so much as a peep... and then... once she's satisfied I've relaxed... She grabs the spoon with one hand, the pot with the other and releases a spurt* of yoghurt with impressive trajectory across my face, one of the cats and the NinkyNonk.

*she had been 'hamster-storing' a good 4 or 5 mouthfuls in her cheeks for maximum effect. 

We abandon dinner at this point and head for a nice 'calm and relaxing' bath. CALM AND RELAXING?! Are you shitting me? The first bath removes the molten turd from her ankle to neck area, the second bath is where my child uses the tub as a human skate-ramp whilst eating entire sponges and water boarding Peppa Pig.

Trust me when I say removing her from the bath is a minimum three person job. The least said about it the better... Cuddledry my tits.

The changing table has become completely obsolete. It's pointless attempting a re-clothing in an area less than 3 metres square. Every item in reaching distance is used to distract her into her sleepsuit* and Grobag over a period of half an hour. (Breaks are taken at regular intervals to rest and/or cry.)

*Note to self: Write to all major baby clothing manufacturers to ask for address of person who decided to put poppers on sleepsuits. Once obtained; hunt down and set on fire.

Finally the bottle... the instant coma-inducing liquid sleep which gently soothes WallyBubba into a slumber within 3 minutes flat... until... she gets within one inch of the cot mattress then BANG! The never-sleeping ninja strikes again... How ridiculous of me to think that an entire day of non-stop physical and mental exhaustion would actually result in sleep?!?!

So I slope downstairs and watch the 'show' unfold on the monitor with the sound off, a glass of red in hand (and the rest of the bottle in the other) with In the Night Garden playing out... and do you know what... that little bastard Iggle Piggle still isn't in bed...

#ifthispostdoesntmakeyoudrinkyouarearobot
#IsometimeswishIwasarobot
#aginrobot
#gin...




Wot So Funee?

30 comments:

  1. I am living this along with you. Now however I am watching it with tears of laughter! your way with words is quite amazing!! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol x good to know I'm not alone... :) thanks xxx

      Delete
  2. Wallybubba has got one thing right though - Peppa Pig TOTALLY deserves to be water boarded ;-)) xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pahahaha ;) x ur probably right lol xxx

      Delete
  3. Your blogs are just so funny! I read them all allowed to anyone who will listen. i honestly wish i could write like you! You should write a book!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's so sweet thank you! I will let u order the advance copy lol ;) xxx

      Delete
  4. She is a smart ninja baby! I fear the birth of my new chd in February!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol ;) just don't let them read this blog and pick up any tips... Tee hee xxx

      Delete
  5. This is so funny. it gets better, I promise. been there, got the t shirt to prove it. only lasts night I said to oh, my son is driving me to drink, after thespectacular screaming, not crying, screaming fit he had. and this is the boy who can't just talk, he has to shout all the time, so trust me when I say he screamed! hey ho, good luck to you x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! No wonder you're reaching for the gin eh! The worse it gets, the more you can drink... #fact

      Delete
  6. I am so pleased that its not just us that go through this ritual every evening. Hilarious to read! Great post :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tee hee x thank you! Glad we can all laugh about it together... Ha! Xxx

      Delete
  7. My wee man kept me entertained for many a night. He was quite good though at closing his eyes and appearing to be asleep and just when I breathe and sit on the sofa...that is when my BANG happened. Then he was suddenly so good sleeping through waking up late duping me into a false sense of security. Now we are back to fighting sleep, sometimes a 3 or 4 am wakeup call and any sleeping after 6 is not allowed as he shouts "Up!" while wriggling all over me. It just NEVER ends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank god mine doesn't speak yet... Might keep her mute. Yes that'll work. Thanks for the inspiration... Lol x hope u get some sleep! Xxx

      Delete
    2. Pmsl amazing post....sadly so true. I laughed (spat out my wine).

      Delete
    3. Lol! Don't waste wine though... :) ha! Xxx

      Delete
  8. Oh god... What's that guna be like with twins?! *panics* xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol :) I think you'll prob be need a lot if gin and I expect you'll receive a medal at the end with a year long holiday :))) xxx

      Delete
  9. First time reader and commenter via Mumsnet - loving your blog! I have two boys, 2 and 5, and they *currently* (bit scared to say it) both sleep well most nights. That is until about 5 a.m. when I am awoken (hands in face, little button nose to mine) to a call of "can we watch a movie Mummeeeee? You can go back to bed once you've put it on". Is five too young to learn to work a DVR I wonder?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol x thanks for heading over! hope you touched some wood while you wrote that tee hee ;) xxx I'll be teaching mine to work the DVD player, use the washing machine and rustle up a 3 course meal when she's 3... #FACT. lol xxx

      Delete
  10. fabulous post! just when you thought nothing was harder than trying to bath and feed a newborn, bathing an alomost-toddler came along and tipped the world upside down again : s

    ReplyDelete
  11. And wally mumma is a downright rotten liar! Look at the way that beautiful wally bubba is peacefully sleeping....I just don't believe you. Joking! Of course i believe you, we all know what horrible little monsters our children can be - enjoy the gin and bottoms up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL - I should have captioned the picture... 'a post-calpoling nap on the sofa...' tee hee x bottoms up to you too! xxx

      Delete
  12. Pure genius! Yet again. I have no words. Except when are you coming to visit? I'd love to see what you make of my lot ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol x I will come if there's wine? xxx

      Delete
  13. So funny, brought it all back to me. Do you know what maybe one day you will look back and laugh !!
    Hard to think but it does get better, only a few more years to survive before then though x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol - couldn't you have lied to me and said it all ends at the first birthday! ha ;) feel like this is karma for being a horrific teenager or something LMAO xxx

      Delete
  14. I call the hours between 5 and 7 the witching hour. Something happens to children, something unpleasant!! Very cute photo though :) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol - I think my witching hour lasts around 24 hours a day most days... lol x thanks :))) x

      Delete

WWB Bedtime Special... (WrestlingWallyBubba)


What has happened to bedtime...?

When did the switch happen...?

By day she might be my WallyBubba, but by night... she has become a tiny, angry, turd-encrusted ninja.

It begins at dinnertime... I lovingly prepare her tea while she stands legs apart, head back, screaming at the ceiling whilst dragging her sippy cup across the the stair gate bars like some kind of prisoner on death row demanding their last meal.

Now the battle into the highchair. My husband stands behind me performing a frantic puppet show over my left shoulder as I attempt to collapse the amazing unbendable baby into a right angle. Apparently known by others as the seated position.

She grabs a fistful of food in each hand and inspects each one carefully, then begins glaring at me with her 'What the f•@k do you mean I'm having cheese on toast again you unimaginative hussy' eyes. Releasing a harrowing battle cry, she crushes each fistful into pulp (whilst maintaining eye contact of course), then simply lets the rubble fall from her grip onto the floor...

Then. Yoghurt. (now a banned substance in our house) She sucks me in by allowing me to spoon-feed her the first half a pot without so much as a peep... and then... once she's satisfied I've relaxed... She grabs the spoon with one hand, the pot with the other and releases a spurt* of yoghurt with impressive trajectory across my face, one of the cats and the NinkyNonk.

*she had been 'hamster-storing' a good 4 or 5 mouthfuls in her cheeks for maximum effect. 

We abandon dinner at this point and head for a nice 'calm and relaxing' bath. CALM AND RELAXING?! Are you shitting me? The first bath removes the molten turd from her ankle to neck area, the second bath is where my child uses the tub as a human skate-ramp whilst eating entire sponges and water boarding Peppa Pig.

Trust me when I say removing her from the bath is a minimum three person job. The least said about it the better... Cuddledry my tits.

The changing table has become completely obsolete. It's pointless attempting a re-clothing in an area less than 3 metres square. Every item in reaching distance is used to distract her into her sleepsuit* and Grobag over a period of half an hour. (Breaks are taken at regular intervals to rest and/or cry.)

*Note to self: Write to all major baby clothing manufacturers to ask for address of person who decided to put poppers on sleepsuits. Once obtained; hunt down and set on fire.

Finally the bottle... the instant coma-inducing liquid sleep which gently soothes WallyBubba into a slumber within 3 minutes flat... until... she gets within one inch of the cot mattress then BANG! The never-sleeping ninja strikes again... How ridiculous of me to think that an entire day of non-stop physical and mental exhaustion would actually result in sleep?!?!

So I slope downstairs and watch the 'show' unfold on the monitor with the sound off, a glass of red in hand (and the rest of the bottle in the other) with In the Night Garden playing out... and do you know what... that little bastard Iggle Piggle still isn't in bed...

#ifthispostdoesntmakeyoudrinkyouarearobot
#IsometimeswishIwasarobot
#aginrobot
#gin...




Wot So Funee?

30 comments:

  1. I am living this along with you. Now however I am watching it with tears of laughter! your way with words is quite amazing!! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol x good to know I'm not alone... :) thanks xxx

      Delete
  2. Wallybubba has got one thing right though - Peppa Pig TOTALLY deserves to be water boarded ;-)) xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pahahaha ;) x ur probably right lol xxx

      Delete
  3. Your blogs are just so funny! I read them all allowed to anyone who will listen. i honestly wish i could write like you! You should write a book!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's so sweet thank you! I will let u order the advance copy lol ;) xxx

      Delete
  4. She is a smart ninja baby! I fear the birth of my new chd in February!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol ;) just don't let them read this blog and pick up any tips... Tee hee xxx

      Delete
  5. This is so funny. it gets better, I promise. been there, got the t shirt to prove it. only lasts night I said to oh, my son is driving me to drink, after thespectacular screaming, not crying, screaming fit he had. and this is the boy who can't just talk, he has to shout all the time, so trust me when I say he screamed! hey ho, good luck to you x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! No wonder you're reaching for the gin eh! The worse it gets, the more you can drink... #fact

      Delete
  6. I am so pleased that its not just us that go through this ritual every evening. Hilarious to read! Great post :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tee hee x thank you! Glad we can all laugh about it together... Ha! Xxx

      Delete
  7. My wee man kept me entertained for many a night. He was quite good though at closing his eyes and appearing to be asleep and just when I breathe and sit on the sofa...that is when my BANG happened. Then he was suddenly so good sleeping through waking up late duping me into a false sense of security. Now we are back to fighting sleep, sometimes a 3 or 4 am wakeup call and any sleeping after 6 is not allowed as he shouts "Up!" while wriggling all over me. It just NEVER ends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank god mine doesn't speak yet... Might keep her mute. Yes that'll work. Thanks for the inspiration... Lol x hope u get some sleep! Xxx

      Delete
    2. Pmsl amazing post....sadly so true. I laughed (spat out my wine).

      Delete
    3. Lol! Don't waste wine though... :) ha! Xxx

      Delete
  8. Oh god... What's that guna be like with twins?! *panics* xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol :) I think you'll prob be need a lot if gin and I expect you'll receive a medal at the end with a year long holiday :))) xxx

      Delete
  9. First time reader and commenter via Mumsnet - loving your blog! I have two boys, 2 and 5, and they *currently* (bit scared to say it) both sleep well most nights. That is until about 5 a.m. when I am awoken (hands in face, little button nose to mine) to a call of "can we watch a movie Mummeeeee? You can go back to bed once you've put it on". Is five too young to learn to work a DVR I wonder?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol x thanks for heading over! hope you touched some wood while you wrote that tee hee ;) xxx I'll be teaching mine to work the DVD player, use the washing machine and rustle up a 3 course meal when she's 3... #FACT. lol xxx

      Delete
  10. fabulous post! just when you thought nothing was harder than trying to bath and feed a newborn, bathing an alomost-toddler came along and tipped the world upside down again : s

    ReplyDelete
  11. And wally mumma is a downright rotten liar! Look at the way that beautiful wally bubba is peacefully sleeping....I just don't believe you. Joking! Of course i believe you, we all know what horrible little monsters our children can be - enjoy the gin and bottoms up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL - I should have captioned the picture... 'a post-calpoling nap on the sofa...' tee hee x bottoms up to you too! xxx

      Delete
  12. Pure genius! Yet again. I have no words. Except when are you coming to visit? I'd love to see what you make of my lot ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol x I will come if there's wine? xxx

      Delete
  13. So funny, brought it all back to me. Do you know what maybe one day you will look back and laugh !!
    Hard to think but it does get better, only a few more years to survive before then though x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol - couldn't you have lied to me and said it all ends at the first birthday! ha ;) feel like this is karma for being a horrific teenager or something LMAO xxx

      Delete
  14. I call the hours between 5 and 7 the witching hour. Something happens to children, something unpleasant!! Very cute photo though :) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol - I think my witching hour lasts around 24 hours a day most days... lol x thanks :))) x

      Delete