I'm 13 months in to a fairly serious toddler/parent relationship and despite copious amounts of gin and a fairly convincing 'I've got my shit together' act, I am harbouring a secret...
I am guilty of some major self-neglect...
A victim of pretty severe self deprivation of the mummy variety...
And it's time I got some of my 'symptoms' off my chest...
If I'd have known that over a year in I'd still be wearing leggings and only taking my make-up off every third day in a row, I would have stapled my vagina up before I ever started ovulating...
And as if to add insult to injury, my leggings now have 'thin patches'. In rather inappropriate places. Proving I am actually too fat for leggings... How is that possible? I thought leggings were chunky thighs' bestest bud? Backstabbing f@*kers.
I've also bought a sensible winter coat... I know... I feel dirty just thinking about it... It's bright blue and has a detachable fleece lining and adjustable face-peak. Please can someone kill me... And not while I'm f@*king wearing it...
Winter = Uggs. Summer = Flipflops. That is all.
Used to be either 'boobs out' or 'legs out'. Now it's jogging bottoms or one of my husbands rugby shirts. Ok I'm lying. It's both. Shit.
And clothing is not officially dirty until the baby has puked on it at least two days in a row. FACT.
I look at all my frilly, lacey matching underwear and somehow my brain says non-wired sports bra and girl-boxers. Underneath my clothes I'm like a flabby gender-confused boxer.
I don't actually remember socks ever matching... If I find two that do, I basically count that as a frigging epic day. Or my birthday.
My daily skin routine involves acknowledging I have skin. And touché éclat. That's it. And I also own a hairbrush. Although I don't know where it is...
And mums remember, never be talked into a fringe by your hairdresser. FRINGES ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. They're wankers.
Remember baths...? Umm. NO.
If I'm honest my razor's so lonely these days it's grown its own pubes.
#fringewankers
#havesomeginandstoplookinginmirrors
#GIN
Ha ha os I borrow husbands razor ..
ReplyDeletehaha ;)
DeleteExcellent post. I remember the days when all my clothes were bought from the supermarket as it was the only place I seemed to spend any time!! It was a sad day when I represented three of the UK's leading supermarkets in one outfit!! :D
ReplyDeleteI know - most of my life involves looking at cardigans while she's 'playing ball' in Tescos... what has happened to me! lol x Need to sort my shit out BIG TIME for summer lol x :)))
DeleteToo true and very funny x
ReplyDeletetee hee x thank you ;) x glad it's not just me! lol x
DeleteI think I might have to borrow that last line!
ReplyDeletePahahaha! It's a winner isn't it ;) tee hee xx
DeleteLol!! Oh dear, these parts of motherhood do NOT excite me .... :P
ReplyDeleteHayley
http://sparklesandstretchmarks.blogspot.co.uk
xxx
Once you're in you're committed... Lol x thanks for commenting ;) xxx
DeleteI realised I had to do something when my 2 year old son turned to me one day - because I had made an effort and put lipstick on - and said "Mummy you look beautiful".............what the f#ck did I look like the rest of the time?
ReplyDeletepahahaha x yes, I'm heading that way... sometimes when I go out people I know don't recognise me... how bad is THAT. It's time for me to commit to daily mascara and the occasional skirt... lol x
DeleteThis made me giggle! You have the description of motherhood down to a T!
ReplyDeletehaha x it's easy when you're living it eh! lol x
DeleteLOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT! I sooo wish I couldn't relate but I sooo can. Great post, laughed out loud :)
ReplyDeleteyay! So glad you liked it ;) I'm finding I am truly in company with this list of confessions LMAO xx
DeleteLove it! Sadly too true lol!
ReplyDeletethanks! I know! lol x
DeleteMy worst day yet. I'd made an effort when my middle boy said........wow mam you look nice, you look just like nan ...........kill me now xx
ReplyDeleteouch... hope you beat him. (joke) x
DeletePure brilliance. Ive just tweeted it but forgot to @ you. Soz! x
ReplyDeletelol ;) I'll go find it to make sure... JOKING. thanks :))) x
DeleteYou've just described me. Can I just say wearing joggers under a man's XL dressing gown is super comfy.
ReplyDeleteha! Yes it is. ;) thanks for commenting xxx
DeleteOh dear! Lots of this is very true! Although I am grateful for the Uggs/flip flops combo! I don't know how I ever thought heels were comfy. :0)
ReplyDeleteSometimes I try to wear heels but I end up with flip-flops in the handbags and revert by 9pm... what has happened to me... lol x cheers for reading! xxx
DeleteGenius! Love it and totally agree.
ReplyDeleteHaha! Thank you ;) xxx
DeleteThat apron is brilliant. I could eat cake all day in that!
ReplyDeleteI could make u a little paper one for your profile pic... Pahahaha ;)
DeleteOh crap now I want a gin...
ReplyDeleteNow u r talking my language... :)
DeleteThank you, thank you, thank you. I have just discovered your blog and as a mother of twinfants I have to say that it is so refreshing to have someone speak the truth! I laughed so hard that my flabby, separated abdominal muscles may have even started to knit themselves together with the effort of it. I will return here often!
ReplyDeletehaha! x well thank you for such a nice comment ;) x I'll send gin x
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