Wednesday, 5 February 2014

A Parent's Guide to Surviving #IKEA


  • Upon arrival, try not to look too excited about the giant outdoor escalators... (I know - the trolley stays still even when you don't hold it... it's like some kind of voodoo...)
  • Head straight to the restaurant and un-trolley your child into the play area. Sit down for the first time in 17/18 months as she latches onto a five year old with a wooden hammer, and spends 30 minutes choosing which colour spoon she wants... 
  • It is COMPULSORY to order meatballs. Each time you don't, the overlord of #IKEA burns a swedish fairy alive.
  • It's also completely mandatory to Instagram/tweet/facebook a photo of your child eating said meatballs and then consistently check how many likes you have to make yourself feel popular. Instagram likes = actual friends. ACTUAL. FRIENDS. 
  • It's not Swedish... it's made up words to make you look stupid in front of your children... Just say 'the red one' like everyone else... 
  • Don't worry about makeup... This is where Neanderthal man comes to buy tea towels and one of those suction bottom washing up brushes... He doesn't give a f@*k if you have bronzer on...
  • Pretend you can afford a new kitchen. Block out other shoppers and engage in a fantasy where this is in your actual house... F@*k it, go make a sandwich in Bodbyn. For the 23 seconds before they remove you, you had clear, cheerio-free surfaces... and THAT'S what matters.
  • Reach the kids' zone... And reeeellllaaaxxx. Child entertained for a further hour by a synthetic red tunnel and a fabric carrot. Sorted.
  • Also - no matter how much pleasure they get from pulling the hood down on that weird orange pod-chair-thing... if you buy one, they will sit in it one day for around three minutes, and the rest of the time you will have a weird orange pod-chair-thing looking shit in your living room.
  • If people don't follow the floor arrows, it's perfectly acceptable to trip them up... set them on fire... and let your toddler piss on them. Totally fine. 
  • You cannot leave without an impromptu Daim Bar purchase at the tills. They're small. They don't count. *whispers* You're thin on the inside...
  • Don't forget tea lights... you can never have too many tea lights... 
  • Also... why are they called tea lights...?


The end.

#bringgin
#IKEA






31 comments:

  1. I am planning to go there soon so I shall take this handy guide - and ask them why they're called tea lights. Also, why their "dishwasher-proof" chopping boards curl up like Quavers on their first dunking.xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha! I'd print it out for sure... don't forget your sandwich making stuff... LMAO xxx thanks for the comment :)))

      Delete
    2. That's hilarious! I just bought one of those chopping boards and that's EXACTLY what it did, first wash :-(

      Delete
  2. Love it. So true, especially about the in store child love for the dome hooded chairs. My son is obsessed with those.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. teehee ;) perhaps they lace them with daim bars or something... lol x

      Delete
  3. Were you ACTUALLYatching my last trip to ikea, for research???? Weirdo x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *sniggers* well maybe a bit :) lol! xx

      Delete
  4. Love this! All so true. I haven't been in years. I can't bring myself to do it. I have a new house, but I still can't put myself through the stress!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you are wise! Lol x unless you really need tea lights it's not worth it... Ha! Xxx

      Delete
  5. Ha ha! You forgot the queue at the end I.e spend longer in the queue than you did walking round the rest of the shop. Or is that just at Bristol?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No - I think that's everywhere! Lol xx

      Delete
  6. We are getting a new Ikea in Exeter soon so this list will come in handy lol. Yeah why do they call them tea lights???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know... Perhaps it's a conspiracy... Xx

      Delete
  7. Other useless shit you can buy there includes small glass chips for decorative purposes. Not that I have any of those... *shifty eyes*

    I'm pretty sure Ikea threw up on my house. Not one room is untouched. As my husband says, Cunning Swedish Bastards.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *sniggers* yes - how have the mind-washed the lot of us... there must be something the meat-balls... #mindalteringhorsemeat lol x

      Delete
  8. I love you Wally Mummy. That is all. Oh, and I have an IKEA photo that I may just have to dig out and send you. My husband with 2 sky high trolleys looking very depressed. H x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pahahaha x might love you a little bit too... especially after I see that photo! lol xx

      Delete
  9. Our local Ikea has an area you can drop your kids off as you enter *bliss* although then spend half the visit listening out for name to be called to pick up said child!! My husband is the worst child, has to sit on everything, open/close the drawers numerous times, bounce on beds, steal pencils, tie measuring tape round head and act like a ninja!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IKEA does something to the men doesn't it... *narrows eyes*... damn that drop off kids area - mine is only 2, and they have to be 3! The cruelness! lol xx

      Delete
  10. I've only been once. Haven't got over it yet ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...still rocking in the corner holding a meatball...?

      ha! xx

      Delete
  11. Brilliant post! Still traumatised from my last visit to IKEA - not sure I could cope with POD in there too! She would open everything!!! She would pick up everthing!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's like herding cats... *cries and grabs gin* lol xxx thanks for the comment misses :)))

      Delete
  12. Replies
    1. What!? How else will you furnish your house for a tenner whilst eating balls of meat... #crazytalk lol

      Delete
  13. Ah ha ha! So funny. Also, don't do what I ALWAYS do which is to purchase a piece of display furniture because it's dirt cheap only to spend an hour dismantling it in the car park because it won't fit in the boot. By the time you get home it's battered and won't fit together again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pahaha - I've not done that yet, but it is TOTALLY the kjnd of shit that happens to me too! lol xx

      Delete
  14. LOL! Fantastic!! We live so close I try to do fly-by style!? Never ever works how I planned ;-)
    I'm an expat in Stockholm and only after living here for YEARS did I realise that those names are 'real swedish' but nonsensical random words that almost always have absolutely nothing at all to do with the object at all. The equivalent of picking up a dictionary and just opening it wherever you want... great - the title for you next post! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO - that is soooo funny! I learnt something today :)))) x

      Delete
  15. my husband gets so cross when people don't follow the arrows!

    also a lot of my purchases in IKEA consist of candles and Daim bars...and blankets...you can never have too many blankets, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope. never too many ever. *eats another daim bar...* lol x

      Delete

A Parent's Guide to Surviving #IKEA


  • Upon arrival, try not to look too excited about the giant outdoor escalators... (I know - the trolley stays still even when you don't hold it... it's like some kind of voodoo...)
  • Head straight to the restaurant and un-trolley your child into the play area. Sit down for the first time in 17/18 months as she latches onto a five year old with a wooden hammer, and spends 30 minutes choosing which colour spoon she wants... 
  • It is COMPULSORY to order meatballs. Each time you don't, the overlord of #IKEA burns a swedish fairy alive.
  • It's also completely mandatory to Instagram/tweet/facebook a photo of your child eating said meatballs and then consistently check how many likes you have to make yourself feel popular. Instagram likes = actual friends. ACTUAL. FRIENDS. 
  • It's not Swedish... it's made up words to make you look stupid in front of your children... Just say 'the red one' like everyone else... 
  • Don't worry about makeup... This is where Neanderthal man comes to buy tea towels and one of those suction bottom washing up brushes... He doesn't give a f@*k if you have bronzer on...
  • Pretend you can afford a new kitchen. Block out other shoppers and engage in a fantasy where this is in your actual house... F@*k it, go make a sandwich in Bodbyn. For the 23 seconds before they remove you, you had clear, cheerio-free surfaces... and THAT'S what matters.
  • Reach the kids' zone... And reeeellllaaaxxx. Child entertained for a further hour by a synthetic red tunnel and a fabric carrot. Sorted.
  • Also - no matter how much pleasure they get from pulling the hood down on that weird orange pod-chair-thing... if you buy one, they will sit in it one day for around three minutes, and the rest of the time you will have a weird orange pod-chair-thing looking shit in your living room.
  • If people don't follow the floor arrows, it's perfectly acceptable to trip them up... set them on fire... and let your toddler piss on them. Totally fine. 
  • You cannot leave without an impromptu Daim Bar purchase at the tills. They're small. They don't count. *whispers* You're thin on the inside...
  • Don't forget tea lights... you can never have too many tea lights... 
  • Also... why are they called tea lights...?


The end.

#bringgin
#IKEA






31 comments:

  1. I am planning to go there soon so I shall take this handy guide - and ask them why they're called tea lights. Also, why their "dishwasher-proof" chopping boards curl up like Quavers on their first dunking.xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha! I'd print it out for sure... don't forget your sandwich making stuff... LMAO xxx thanks for the comment :)))

      Delete
    2. That's hilarious! I just bought one of those chopping boards and that's EXACTLY what it did, first wash :-(

      Delete
  2. Love it. So true, especially about the in store child love for the dome hooded chairs. My son is obsessed with those.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. teehee ;) perhaps they lace them with daim bars or something... lol x

      Delete
  3. Were you ACTUALLYatching my last trip to ikea, for research???? Weirdo x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *sniggers* well maybe a bit :) lol! xx

      Delete
  4. Love this! All so true. I haven't been in years. I can't bring myself to do it. I have a new house, but I still can't put myself through the stress!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you are wise! Lol x unless you really need tea lights it's not worth it... Ha! Xxx

      Delete
  5. Ha ha! You forgot the queue at the end I.e spend longer in the queue than you did walking round the rest of the shop. Or is that just at Bristol?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No - I think that's everywhere! Lol xx

      Delete
  6. We are getting a new Ikea in Exeter soon so this list will come in handy lol. Yeah why do they call them tea lights???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know... Perhaps it's a conspiracy... Xx

      Delete
  7. Other useless shit you can buy there includes small glass chips for decorative purposes. Not that I have any of those... *shifty eyes*

    I'm pretty sure Ikea threw up on my house. Not one room is untouched. As my husband says, Cunning Swedish Bastards.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *sniggers* yes - how have the mind-washed the lot of us... there must be something the meat-balls... #mindalteringhorsemeat lol x

      Delete
  8. I love you Wally Mummy. That is all. Oh, and I have an IKEA photo that I may just have to dig out and send you. My husband with 2 sky high trolleys looking very depressed. H x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pahahaha x might love you a little bit too... especially after I see that photo! lol xx

      Delete
  9. Our local Ikea has an area you can drop your kids off as you enter *bliss* although then spend half the visit listening out for name to be called to pick up said child!! My husband is the worst child, has to sit on everything, open/close the drawers numerous times, bounce on beds, steal pencils, tie measuring tape round head and act like a ninja!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IKEA does something to the men doesn't it... *narrows eyes*... damn that drop off kids area - mine is only 2, and they have to be 3! The cruelness! lol xx

      Delete
  10. I've only been once. Haven't got over it yet ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...still rocking in the corner holding a meatball...?

      ha! xx

      Delete
  11. Brilliant post! Still traumatised from my last visit to IKEA - not sure I could cope with POD in there too! She would open everything!!! She would pick up everthing!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's like herding cats... *cries and grabs gin* lol xxx thanks for the comment misses :)))

      Delete
  12. Replies
    1. What!? How else will you furnish your house for a tenner whilst eating balls of meat... #crazytalk lol

      Delete
  13. Ah ha ha! So funny. Also, don't do what I ALWAYS do which is to purchase a piece of display furniture because it's dirt cheap only to spend an hour dismantling it in the car park because it won't fit in the boot. By the time you get home it's battered and won't fit together again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pahaha - I've not done that yet, but it is TOTALLY the kjnd of shit that happens to me too! lol xx

      Delete
  14. LOL! Fantastic!! We live so close I try to do fly-by style!? Never ever works how I planned ;-)
    I'm an expat in Stockholm and only after living here for YEARS did I realise that those names are 'real swedish' but nonsensical random words that almost always have absolutely nothing at all to do with the object at all. The equivalent of picking up a dictionary and just opening it wherever you want... great - the title for you next post! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO - that is soooo funny! I learnt something today :)))) x

      Delete
  15. my husband gets so cross when people don't follow the arrows!

    also a lot of my purchases in IKEA consist of candles and Daim bars...and blankets...you can never have too many blankets, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope. never too many ever. *eats another daim bar...* lol x

      Delete