Monday, 17 March 2014

'Twatty-Toddler-Hour' and Other Tales from the Terrible Twos...

Since turning two, WallyBubba has been going through what can only be described as a period of 'change'.

She has slowly been developing a rather serious, and potentially harmful (to others), coming-of-age condition known as 'Toddler-Bastard-Hood' or TBH to us in the know... *shudders*

This condition is no joke.

NO laughing matter.

(Well, occasionally... when you start laughing those slightly hysterical laugh-tears whilst rocking a bit and trying to go to your happy place...)

It effects over 90% of toddlers and is known to change even the sweetest, kindest and politest of one year olds into total 'shits'. (technical term)

It's not all bad news; if caught early, the symptoms may be reduced using copious amounts of gin and moderate wailing/chocolate consumption. But it's important that parents have all the information possible in order to recognise the beginnings of this horrific disease.

Please refer to the tick list below so that together we can work together to eradicate TBH and unite in a Hendricks/Toblerone haze...


Key symptoms:
  1. Your child spends at least one day a week refusing to eat anything other than cheese. Angrily. With a spork. 
  2. Baths. Remember those...? Well. They don't occur without you bleeding anymore... 
  3. Your child asks to go to the playground. Upon arrival, your child insists this is a huge misunderstanding, and that they in fact HATE the playground. They then beat you in the face with one of the toddler swings in order to ridicule you in front of some tutting old people and some smug mummies who are wearing actual lipgloss. (This is how you know you are not one of them...
  4. No matter how many times you say their name, they ignore you... until you break... Once you're weak, then they spit on you and help themselves to a packet of fruit wriggles from the change bag while you cry...  
  5. Any attempt to calm them following a tantrum results in someone*, somewhere losing an eye and/or their sanity. *you
  6. The lack of afternoon nap means you hit a 3-o-clock slump which I now refer to as the 'twatty-toddler-hour', where literally NOTHING can appease them. They stamp on rabbits, hurl raisins at moving vehicles, and eat entire wax crayons without chewing. Then promptly take a shit in the middle of the floor and blame you for it. Obviously. 
  7. There will be no nappies or socks after midday. And if you think they are ever wearing a hat ever again then you clearly don't value your skin. 
  8. When things get really bad, we (me, the Ninky-Nonk, Lola, the scuttlebug and a pair of Daddy's shoes....) are subjected to an angry tea party. Where each of the participants is forced to eat wooden cake and drink tea until WallyBubba BASTARD WELL DECIDES YOU'RE FINISHED. It's fairly traumatising once you enter the third hour... *sobs a bit* 
  9. Never, ever, EVER put Charlie and Lola on without first asking if there was a preference. You. IDIOT. Now you have to watch Peppa F*@king Pig back-to-back for a month.
  10. They keep asking to do crafts. But become totally inconsolable when they realise their annoying chubby little toddler hands can't hold the paintbrushes properly... They also lie about NOT eating paint. Whilst eating paint. Wankers. 
  11. When they stare at you... you now know it's because they are collecting pieces of your soul for Mordor... and this scares you... a lot. You're very thankful for all the gin now...

#TBH
#Twatty-toddler-hour
#gin


Wot So Funee?

70 comments:

  1. I think you have taken my child by mistake. No worries, you can keep her!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha! xx Thanks for reading xxx

      Delete
    2. As a mum to 27 & 22 year olds who "forgot" to come out of this phase at about3-4 years old it eventually goes back to semi angelichood. Both my boys are now parents themselves & quite frankly PAYBACK IS BLISS!!!
      Nursiedawn

      Delete
    3. LOL x I look forward to one day saying this too! xx

      Delete
  2. I admit I laughed. But I felt bad for laughing, guilt is another good trick they do!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes... they get you that way too don't they! *sobs into gin* lol xx

      Delete
  3. This is a very reassuring post. My toddler is a complete arsehole at the moment and your points ring home with me. Sadly though, I don't drink. This makes it much worse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow - sobriety with a toddler... we can only bow down in your honour... lol!

      Delete
  4. Brilliant - my son insisted on only eating with a spork for a while. Absolutely ridiculous, and the post is absolutely spot on x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol xx bloody toddlers eh! *rolls eyes* thanks for reading xxx

      Delete
  5. My Dad referred me to this post- what's he trying to say about my Boo??! Oh yeah that she is a BEAST! She was colouring in her dress this afternoon (when she should have been napping but had refused-beast!) and laughing in my face as I told her to stop- I find myself asking her 'why are you being so annoying???' Quite a lot atm!!! X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol ;) we both have little madams then! Heehee xx *waves to your dad* hahaha xx

      Delete
  6. *nods* at the tender age of 18 months, I'm already in the know. *sigh* they don't tell you any of this in the flipping parenting books DO THEY!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they did we might not do it! Lol xx

      Delete
  7. And you think it's a phase but it seems to go on and on and on. Then they learn to talk in full sentences and condescending tones. Joy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall look forward to that then! lol xx

      Delete
  8. Hormones and love must be so strong for us to ever pass this stage, a good dose of gin & humor of course!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I reckon I can manage both of those in abundance :)) x

      Delete
  9. Yet another very funny and very true post. I hate to tell you this but my youngest is 3 and we still have a lot of this going on! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *puts fingers in ears and sings LaLaLaLaLah* lol xx

      Delete
  10. This REALLY made me laugh out loud and brought much needed laughter to what has been a very dull afternoon. My fav were shitting on the floor (you know your literally in the shit when this happens), throwing raisins at passing cars and Dads shoes coming to the tea party.

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ;) that's what I'm here for! lol... we are just entering Twatty Toddler Hour over here... #wishmeluck :/

      Delete
  11. Cheese release me let me gooooo

    ReplyDelete
  12. Fantastic as ever. I reckon your blog could be used as contraception.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I reckon my blog IS used as contraception :) x

      Delete
  13. Pahahahaha. Brilliant. Perfectly describes our almost 2 and a half yr old twins. We call it 'toddler blob'

    ReplyDelete
  14. Mine would only eat satsumas today!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice ;) better than cheese though! lol xxx

      Delete
  15. i am long past the toodler bastard phase but now have a teenager who behaves strangely similar but is 6 foot and i cannot now kneel on him to get him in a buggy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pahaha - that sounds very inconvenient... bigger buggy? :) lol x

      Delete
  16. warmfuzzyfeeling18 March 2014 at 20:49

    The terrible twos were indeed terrible. We have recently acquired what can only be described as a threenager. It's worse, oh god, it's worse..

    ReplyDelete
  17. I hear you loud and clear I once had lovely locks of hair I now am completely bald! Oh and have no teeth as I have growned th down! I'm not going to lie iv been drinking since christmas to numb the pain! Oh sorry must go wine is calling......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO... Once the skin goes too... it's time to give up I say... ;) *clink* xx

      Delete
  18. Oh how I laughed as I read all of this. It cheered me up immensely. Especially as mine are 19 & 22 years old. Still have a large g & t at exactly 6pm though. The psychological scars are like children sadly for life. Bless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ;) I shall look forward to that then! lol xxx

      Delete
  19. I read this post and laughed out loud....more with relief that IM NOT GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT ANYMORE hahaha... my kids are now 12 and 9 so different 'problems' are arising LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO - I've heard it never ends... just changes... let's drink to that! *sobs* lol x

      Delete
  20. We are five weeks into the Terrible Twos and we medicate with a lot of TV and Magic Stars and or Kinder Choc (in lieu of grapes and gladiator-fighting?)

    So glad I'm not alone!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Toddler medication is key! lol x You are never alone sister... battered, bruised, weak... but NEVER alone... lol x

      Delete
  21. oh yes i get this i think it happens earlier than 2 as my 1 yr old gets this and i to am a heavily self medicated gin addict it really does help you forget what a crap day you had great post popping over from twitter and whats so funnie xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh yes... the gin helps you forget ;) and pretend it's all fine... *goes to zen place* :)))

      Delete
  22. HA HA - chubby little toddler hands! Crafts *shudder* - that's what nursery is for!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Just wait until they are 7 and declaring (very loudly), in the middle of Asda, that you are infact an alcoholic...as you reach for another bottle of gin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is it bad that I just laughed A LOT at that... lol xx #sogonnahappentome

      Delete
    2. I actually got a very sympathetic look from an old lady when my daughter did this to me...she'd obviously 'been there, done that!'

      Delete
    3. ha ;) well that's far better than a 'tutter' lol x

      Delete
  24. You wait. You just wait till Wally Bubba becomes a Tween. Then you'll have blog fodder, believe me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha x I believe you! #setupforlife :) x

      Delete
  25. I am *crying* (with both laughter, and the recognition of a similar situation.) Thank you :) I made the mistake in no 9 with Ben & Holly. Back to Peppa bastard Pig again.
    You forgot about the refusal to wear clothes which are not pink or purple, however. Try finding purple nappies. Or maybe you've not quite hit that stage yet?
    Love it. Subscribing now. Well done x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha - we have not hit that stage yet, but no doubt we will with all the other shit parenting has planned for me! lol x *downs morning gin*

      Delete
  26. Oh yes, been there done that more times than necessary and there is hope.. and gin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. heehee x thank you for the reassurance, but mostly the alcohol :) x

      Delete
  27. So very glad there are more of us struggling with vile evil little shits. My daughter is almost 4 and this has been going on since 18 months. Everyone has given up asking when I'll have another one. A confident "fuck off I already have the spawn of Satan" appears to have appeased their questioning. Here's to gin and valium, may they always be available!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh how I love the terrible twos! Such cute little rascals. Of course, that was all a very long time ago now. *Smug face* ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Give it a decade and if i'm still alive I will be smug too... :/ lol x

      Delete
  29. Wait till you hit the F*** Off Fours ... done the wine ... done the rehab ... waiting for school with eagerness ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *sniggering* I feel I will be set up wit blogging material for life! :)

      Delete
  30. I never wanted my lovely angel in nursery til she turned 3 now I don't want to pick the devils spawn up her name cora quite literally means queen of the dark / evil now our days are mainly evil threats with the occasional laugh and giggle (at my expense as she whips down my pants in Tesco)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pahahaha x this would defo be enough to turn me to drink! Thank GOD for nursery ;) lol xx

      Delete
  31. Ahh yes, gotta love a toddler. Thankfully it does pass. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is reassuring to hear ;) *wipes brow* heehee xx

      Delete
  32. I loved this so much. My son is only 17 months and i am already having some of this (and a glass of wine or two after 7pm when the dreaded bathtime routine is over!).. I am taking great comfort in all the comments saying it passes....., i just have another 16 months to go then? ha x

    ReplyDelete
  33. I love this we have twatty todler hour when the nap starts in the morning. o how i miss afternoon naps

    ReplyDelete

'Twatty-Toddler-Hour' and Other Tales from the Terrible Twos...

Since turning two, WallyBubba has been going through what can only be described as a period of 'change'.

She has slowly been developing a rather serious, and potentially harmful (to others), coming-of-age condition known as 'Toddler-Bastard-Hood' or TBH to us in the know... *shudders*

This condition is no joke.

NO laughing matter.

(Well, occasionally... when you start laughing those slightly hysterical laugh-tears whilst rocking a bit and trying to go to your happy place...)

It effects over 90% of toddlers and is known to change even the sweetest, kindest and politest of one year olds into total 'shits'. (technical term)

It's not all bad news; if caught early, the symptoms may be reduced using copious amounts of gin and moderate wailing/chocolate consumption. But it's important that parents have all the information possible in order to recognise the beginnings of this horrific disease.

Please refer to the tick list below so that together we can work together to eradicate TBH and unite in a Hendricks/Toblerone haze...


Key symptoms:
  1. Your child spends at least one day a week refusing to eat anything other than cheese. Angrily. With a spork. 
  2. Baths. Remember those...? Well. They don't occur without you bleeding anymore... 
  3. Your child asks to go to the playground. Upon arrival, your child insists this is a huge misunderstanding, and that they in fact HATE the playground. They then beat you in the face with one of the toddler swings in order to ridicule you in front of some tutting old people and some smug mummies who are wearing actual lipgloss. (This is how you know you are not one of them...
  4. No matter how many times you say their name, they ignore you... until you break... Once you're weak, then they spit on you and help themselves to a packet of fruit wriggles from the change bag while you cry...  
  5. Any attempt to calm them following a tantrum results in someone*, somewhere losing an eye and/or their sanity. *you
  6. The lack of afternoon nap means you hit a 3-o-clock slump which I now refer to as the 'twatty-toddler-hour', where literally NOTHING can appease them. They stamp on rabbits, hurl raisins at moving vehicles, and eat entire wax crayons without chewing. Then promptly take a shit in the middle of the floor and blame you for it. Obviously. 
  7. There will be no nappies or socks after midday. And if you think they are ever wearing a hat ever again then you clearly don't value your skin. 
  8. When things get really bad, we (me, the Ninky-Nonk, Lola, the scuttlebug and a pair of Daddy's shoes....) are subjected to an angry tea party. Where each of the participants is forced to eat wooden cake and drink tea until WallyBubba BASTARD WELL DECIDES YOU'RE FINISHED. It's fairly traumatising once you enter the third hour... *sobs a bit* 
  9. Never, ever, EVER put Charlie and Lola on without first asking if there was a preference. You. IDIOT. Now you have to watch Peppa F*@king Pig back-to-back for a month.
  10. They keep asking to do crafts. But become totally inconsolable when they realise their annoying chubby little toddler hands can't hold the paintbrushes properly... They also lie about NOT eating paint. Whilst eating paint. Wankers. 
  11. When they stare at you... you now know it's because they are collecting pieces of your soul for Mordor... and this scares you... a lot. You're very thankful for all the gin now...

#TBH
#Twatty-toddler-hour
#gin


Wot So Funee?

70 comments:

  1. I think you have taken my child by mistake. No worries, you can keep her!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha! xx Thanks for reading xxx

      Delete
    2. As a mum to 27 & 22 year olds who "forgot" to come out of this phase at about3-4 years old it eventually goes back to semi angelichood. Both my boys are now parents themselves & quite frankly PAYBACK IS BLISS!!!
      Nursiedawn

      Delete
    3. LOL x I look forward to one day saying this too! xx

      Delete
  2. I admit I laughed. But I felt bad for laughing, guilt is another good trick they do!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes... they get you that way too don't they! *sobs into gin* lol xx

      Delete
  3. This is a very reassuring post. My toddler is a complete arsehole at the moment and your points ring home with me. Sadly though, I don't drink. This makes it much worse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow - sobriety with a toddler... we can only bow down in your honour... lol!

      Delete
  4. Brilliant - my son insisted on only eating with a spork for a while. Absolutely ridiculous, and the post is absolutely spot on x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol xx bloody toddlers eh! *rolls eyes* thanks for reading xxx

      Delete
  5. My Dad referred me to this post- what's he trying to say about my Boo??! Oh yeah that she is a BEAST! She was colouring in her dress this afternoon (when she should have been napping but had refused-beast!) and laughing in my face as I told her to stop- I find myself asking her 'why are you being so annoying???' Quite a lot atm!!! X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol ;) we both have little madams then! Heehee xx *waves to your dad* hahaha xx

      Delete
  6. *nods* at the tender age of 18 months, I'm already in the know. *sigh* they don't tell you any of this in the flipping parenting books DO THEY!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they did we might not do it! Lol xx

      Delete
  7. And you think it's a phase but it seems to go on and on and on. Then they learn to talk in full sentences and condescending tones. Joy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall look forward to that then! lol xx

      Delete
  8. Hormones and love must be so strong for us to ever pass this stage, a good dose of gin & humor of course!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I reckon I can manage both of those in abundance :)) x

      Delete
  9. Yet another very funny and very true post. I hate to tell you this but my youngest is 3 and we still have a lot of this going on! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *puts fingers in ears and sings LaLaLaLaLah* lol xx

      Delete
  10. This REALLY made me laugh out loud and brought much needed laughter to what has been a very dull afternoon. My fav were shitting on the floor (you know your literally in the shit when this happens), throwing raisins at passing cars and Dads shoes coming to the tea party.

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ;) that's what I'm here for! lol... we are just entering Twatty Toddler Hour over here... #wishmeluck :/

      Delete
  11. Cheese release me let me gooooo

    ReplyDelete
  12. Fantastic as ever. I reckon your blog could be used as contraception.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I reckon my blog IS used as contraception :) x

      Delete
  13. Pahahahaha. Brilliant. Perfectly describes our almost 2 and a half yr old twins. We call it 'toddler blob'

    ReplyDelete
  14. Mine would only eat satsumas today!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice ;) better than cheese though! lol xxx

      Delete
  15. i am long past the toodler bastard phase but now have a teenager who behaves strangely similar but is 6 foot and i cannot now kneel on him to get him in a buggy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pahaha - that sounds very inconvenient... bigger buggy? :) lol x

      Delete
  16. warmfuzzyfeeling18 March 2014 at 20:49

    The terrible twos were indeed terrible. We have recently acquired what can only be described as a threenager. It's worse, oh god, it's worse..

    ReplyDelete
  17. I hear you loud and clear I once had lovely locks of hair I now am completely bald! Oh and have no teeth as I have growned th down! I'm not going to lie iv been drinking since christmas to numb the pain! Oh sorry must go wine is calling......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO... Once the skin goes too... it's time to give up I say... ;) *clink* xx

      Delete
  18. Oh how I laughed as I read all of this. It cheered me up immensely. Especially as mine are 19 & 22 years old. Still have a large g & t at exactly 6pm though. The psychological scars are like children sadly for life. Bless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ;) I shall look forward to that then! lol xxx

      Delete
  19. I read this post and laughed out loud....more with relief that IM NOT GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT ANYMORE hahaha... my kids are now 12 and 9 so different 'problems' are arising LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO - I've heard it never ends... just changes... let's drink to that! *sobs* lol x

      Delete
  20. We are five weeks into the Terrible Twos and we medicate with a lot of TV and Magic Stars and or Kinder Choc (in lieu of grapes and gladiator-fighting?)

    So glad I'm not alone!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Toddler medication is key! lol x You are never alone sister... battered, bruised, weak... but NEVER alone... lol x

      Delete
  21. oh yes i get this i think it happens earlier than 2 as my 1 yr old gets this and i to am a heavily self medicated gin addict it really does help you forget what a crap day you had great post popping over from twitter and whats so funnie xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh yes... the gin helps you forget ;) and pretend it's all fine... *goes to zen place* :)))

      Delete
  22. HA HA - chubby little toddler hands! Crafts *shudder* - that's what nursery is for!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Just wait until they are 7 and declaring (very loudly), in the middle of Asda, that you are infact an alcoholic...as you reach for another bottle of gin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is it bad that I just laughed A LOT at that... lol xx #sogonnahappentome

      Delete
    2. I actually got a very sympathetic look from an old lady when my daughter did this to me...she'd obviously 'been there, done that!'

      Delete
    3. ha ;) well that's far better than a 'tutter' lol x

      Delete
  24. You wait. You just wait till Wally Bubba becomes a Tween. Then you'll have blog fodder, believe me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha x I believe you! #setupforlife :) x

      Delete
  25. I am *crying* (with both laughter, and the recognition of a similar situation.) Thank you :) I made the mistake in no 9 with Ben & Holly. Back to Peppa bastard Pig again.
    You forgot about the refusal to wear clothes which are not pink or purple, however. Try finding purple nappies. Or maybe you've not quite hit that stage yet?
    Love it. Subscribing now. Well done x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha - we have not hit that stage yet, but no doubt we will with all the other shit parenting has planned for me! lol x *downs morning gin*

      Delete
  26. Oh yes, been there done that more times than necessary and there is hope.. and gin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. heehee x thank you for the reassurance, but mostly the alcohol :) x

      Delete
  27. So very glad there are more of us struggling with vile evil little shits. My daughter is almost 4 and this has been going on since 18 months. Everyone has given up asking when I'll have another one. A confident "fuck off I already have the spawn of Satan" appears to have appeased their questioning. Here's to gin and valium, may they always be available!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh how I love the terrible twos! Such cute little rascals. Of course, that was all a very long time ago now. *Smug face* ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Give it a decade and if i'm still alive I will be smug too... :/ lol x

      Delete
  29. Wait till you hit the F*** Off Fours ... done the wine ... done the rehab ... waiting for school with eagerness ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *sniggering* I feel I will be set up wit blogging material for life! :)

      Delete
  30. I never wanted my lovely angel in nursery til she turned 3 now I don't want to pick the devils spawn up her name cora quite literally means queen of the dark / evil now our days are mainly evil threats with the occasional laugh and giggle (at my expense as she whips down my pants in Tesco)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pahahaha x this would defo be enough to turn me to drink! Thank GOD for nursery ;) lol xx

      Delete
  31. Ahh yes, gotta love a toddler. Thankfully it does pass. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is reassuring to hear ;) *wipes brow* heehee xx

      Delete
  32. I loved this so much. My son is only 17 months and i am already having some of this (and a glass of wine or two after 7pm when the dreaded bathtime routine is over!).. I am taking great comfort in all the comments saying it passes....., i just have another 16 months to go then? ha x

    ReplyDelete
  33. I love this we have twatty todler hour when the nap starts in the morning. o how i miss afternoon naps

    ReplyDelete