Wednesday, 16 April 2014

How to Know When Your Garden has been Toddlered...

A strange thing has been happening to my garden the past two years... Something very odd. And bright. And loud. And shitty. And annoying.

Yes. It appears my garden has been 'toddlered'. In fact my entire summer has been bastard-well toddlered.

And yes. This is a term. Just as being 'ginned' is also a term. (Don't look at me like that.)

Here's how to tell:


  1. Your elegant adult bistro table has been given a toddler makeover. No longer is it for supping prosecco in the evening sun... NO. Now it's been bejazzled with playdoh, had a gentle soil-based re-spray and one of the neighbourhood cats has taken a shit in the centre of it.
  2. Remember when used to have decorative stones... PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... *pauses for a moment to cry and re-compose* PAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
  3. Any exposed patch of soil is fair game for a snack... Your lovingly-prepared homemade dinners - F@*K NO.  This pile of plant debris and worm excrement - HELL YES. Think about that...
  4. Every night an army of ninja eagles will take it in turns to fire enormous curly turds at the slide you just cleaned. Luckily baby wipes are remarkably effective at removing even the curliest shit... Toddler or otherwise. 
  5. The amount of time you spend setting up your own private aqua park is directly relevant to how long they spend playing in it. A good hour of modern water-based engineering will probably buy you five minutes before they decide they'd rather eat some crisps and watch Peppa-the-arsehole-Pig. 
  6. Play-sand has been sent down from Satan himself to break the weaker parents amongst us. Remember. This is why summer is such a good time for outdoor alcohol. 
  7. Also - you'll find play-sand underneath your boobs until September. And you'll be changing toddler nappies of the self exfoliating kind until then too...
  8. They will wait until the moment you have got comfortable and commence operation PPF. (Paddling Pool Floater) if you're not quick enough one of the cats will fish it out and begin playing keepy-uppy with it on the white decorative stones...
  9. Your paddling pool is year round. It says on the box. Yes. It does. IT DOES. *downs gin*
  10. Long shorts are the way to go now. Even in the privacy of your own garden, the world will not thank you for wearing shorts that ride up inside your actual vagina.
  11. Tanning oil plus toddlers does not work. Your life is P20 now. And shoulder-only tans. Live with it.
  12. The best game will always be the one that involves the most BBQ ash. Mixed with water. And sand. And your dignity. And gin.

#YourGardenHasBeenToddlered
#YourLifeHasBeenToddlered
#YourLifeisGin
#Gin





40 comments:

  1. Hahahaha! I'm sat looking out at my garden now and it has definitely been toddlered........pass me the gin xx

    Emma
    Handbags To Change Bags - Mummy & Lifestyle Blog

    ReplyDelete
  2. This cracks me up! haha! i remeber the days very well.

    Becky x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heehee ;) Thanks for commenting xx

      Delete
  3. I Love this! #Gin #ForTheWin!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yep - you can kiss goodbye to a nice garden for the foreseeable....don't forget after children come grandchildren. ;) Keep calm and drink gin. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, now i'm thinking I might juts ship it off round to granny's! lol xx

      Delete
  5. Play Sand.....was sent to haunt me, surely? I loathed that stuff and the worst bit? No one even plays in it! Your garden will NEVER be the same again. Trust me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO - I am already realising this! lol x

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. ha! *sobs a bit while nodding* lol x

      Delete
  7. Hilarious! You never fail to make me laugh. Flipping hate sand! Even though there is none at home, POD managed to empty a boot load of the stuff into a friend's handbag at the weekend. Poor love is having a baby in 3 weeks, she couldn't even save it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol - awkward! Although you are only preparing her for what's to come once her's grows into a toddler. It's a life lesson really :) x

      Delete
  8. We patio'd our garden and have a really nice rock garden thing all the way around the edges with little pebbles everywhere. We thought it'd be a brilliant playing area for him. First time he goes in he heads straight for the pebbles and starts flinging them about. :/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ;) decorative stones = red rag to a bull... lol xx

      Delete
  9. Ha ha - cat keepy uppy! I'll drink prosecco anywhere, even off a table with a special delivery on it ;) x

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hilarious! My garden has been well and truly toddlered too! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! You can't fight it. It's a lost battle ;) lol xx

      Delete
  11. Not to mention the enormous fort that has taken over the vast majority of the garden. St least I have my sun lounger installed for said gin consumption!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And you will hold onto the sun lounger for dear life! Dear LIFE. Lol xx

      Delete
  12. Ha ha very very good made me laugh out loud all the way through reading it :-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I've been shoulder, forehead and flipflop-lines-on-feet tanning for 7 years now. I'm toddlered, never mind the garden.

    I'd like to be ginned now too.
    Please?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall have this arranged immediately :) x

      Delete
  14. hee hee brilliant - i would never let sand anywhere near my garden though, are you mental?!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I think I need to start drinking gin. Mine's done the same slide and pool thing. Bonkers!

    ReplyDelete
  16. We don't bother anymore - it is a wilderness - we sent them out with survival kits -sometimes they come back. Our sand pit is an Ibiza-style rave den for slugs x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pahahaha x I feel like you're giving me something to aspire to.... lol xx

      Delete
  17. I love this post, it had me grinning over my coffee is Costa. And I always suspected that Peppa Pig had *that* middle name!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She does. It's silent but implied. #fact :)

      Delete
  18. Oh my goodness, i thank my friend Julie for bringing you into my life. You have practically written my life story ( thanks that one less thing to remember) xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *does little bow and has a drink for Julie* lol xxx

      Delete

How to Know When Your Garden has been Toddlered...

A strange thing has been happening to my garden the past two years... Something very odd. And bright. And loud. And shitty. And annoying.

Yes. It appears my garden has been 'toddlered'. In fact my entire summer has been bastard-well toddlered.

And yes. This is a term. Just as being 'ginned' is also a term. (Don't look at me like that.)

Here's how to tell:


  1. Your elegant adult bistro table has been given a toddler makeover. No longer is it for supping prosecco in the evening sun... NO. Now it's been bejazzled with playdoh, had a gentle soil-based re-spray and one of the neighbourhood cats has taken a shit in the centre of it.
  2. Remember when used to have decorative stones... PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... *pauses for a moment to cry and re-compose* PAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
  3. Any exposed patch of soil is fair game for a snack... Your lovingly-prepared homemade dinners - F@*K NO.  This pile of plant debris and worm excrement - HELL YES. Think about that...
  4. Every night an army of ninja eagles will take it in turns to fire enormous curly turds at the slide you just cleaned. Luckily baby wipes are remarkably effective at removing even the curliest shit... Toddler or otherwise. 
  5. The amount of time you spend setting up your own private aqua park is directly relevant to how long they spend playing in it. A good hour of modern water-based engineering will probably buy you five minutes before they decide they'd rather eat some crisps and watch Peppa-the-arsehole-Pig. 
  6. Play-sand has been sent down from Satan himself to break the weaker parents amongst us. Remember. This is why summer is such a good time for outdoor alcohol. 
  7. Also - you'll find play-sand underneath your boobs until September. And you'll be changing toddler nappies of the self exfoliating kind until then too...
  8. They will wait until the moment you have got comfortable and commence operation PPF. (Paddling Pool Floater) if you're not quick enough one of the cats will fish it out and begin playing keepy-uppy with it on the white decorative stones...
  9. Your paddling pool is year round. It says on the box. Yes. It does. IT DOES. *downs gin*
  10. Long shorts are the way to go now. Even in the privacy of your own garden, the world will not thank you for wearing shorts that ride up inside your actual vagina.
  11. Tanning oil plus toddlers does not work. Your life is P20 now. And shoulder-only tans. Live with it.
  12. The best game will always be the one that involves the most BBQ ash. Mixed with water. And sand. And your dignity. And gin.

#YourGardenHasBeenToddlered
#YourLifeHasBeenToddlered
#YourLifeisGin
#Gin





40 comments:

  1. Hahahaha! I'm sat looking out at my garden now and it has definitely been toddlered........pass me the gin xx

    Emma
    Handbags To Change Bags - Mummy & Lifestyle Blog

    ReplyDelete
  2. This cracks me up! haha! i remeber the days very well.

    Becky x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heehee ;) Thanks for commenting xx

      Delete
  3. I Love this! #Gin #ForTheWin!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yep - you can kiss goodbye to a nice garden for the foreseeable....don't forget after children come grandchildren. ;) Keep calm and drink gin. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, now i'm thinking I might juts ship it off round to granny's! lol xx

      Delete
  5. Play Sand.....was sent to haunt me, surely? I loathed that stuff and the worst bit? No one even plays in it! Your garden will NEVER be the same again. Trust me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO - I am already realising this! lol x

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. ha! *sobs a bit while nodding* lol x

      Delete
  7. Hilarious! You never fail to make me laugh. Flipping hate sand! Even though there is none at home, POD managed to empty a boot load of the stuff into a friend's handbag at the weekend. Poor love is having a baby in 3 weeks, she couldn't even save it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol - awkward! Although you are only preparing her for what's to come once her's grows into a toddler. It's a life lesson really :) x

      Delete
  8. We patio'd our garden and have a really nice rock garden thing all the way around the edges with little pebbles everywhere. We thought it'd be a brilliant playing area for him. First time he goes in he heads straight for the pebbles and starts flinging them about. :/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ;) decorative stones = red rag to a bull... lol xx

      Delete
  9. Ha ha - cat keepy uppy! I'll drink prosecco anywhere, even off a table with a special delivery on it ;) x

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hilarious! My garden has been well and truly toddlered too! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! You can't fight it. It's a lost battle ;) lol xx

      Delete
  11. Not to mention the enormous fort that has taken over the vast majority of the garden. St least I have my sun lounger installed for said gin consumption!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And you will hold onto the sun lounger for dear life! Dear LIFE. Lol xx

      Delete
  12. Ha ha very very good made me laugh out loud all the way through reading it :-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I've been shoulder, forehead and flipflop-lines-on-feet tanning for 7 years now. I'm toddlered, never mind the garden.

    I'd like to be ginned now too.
    Please?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall have this arranged immediately :) x

      Delete
  14. hee hee brilliant - i would never let sand anywhere near my garden though, are you mental?!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I think I need to start drinking gin. Mine's done the same slide and pool thing. Bonkers!

    ReplyDelete
  16. We don't bother anymore - it is a wilderness - we sent them out with survival kits -sometimes they come back. Our sand pit is an Ibiza-style rave den for slugs x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pahahaha x I feel like you're giving me something to aspire to.... lol xx

      Delete
  17. I love this post, it had me grinning over my coffee is Costa. And I always suspected that Peppa Pig had *that* middle name!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She does. It's silent but implied. #fact :)

      Delete
  18. Oh my goodness, i thank my friend Julie for bringing you into my life. You have practically written my life story ( thanks that one less thing to remember) xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *does little bow and has a drink for Julie* lol xxx

      Delete